Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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