dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
