census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
