He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
