google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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