tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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