When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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