yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
