I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize