we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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