I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
