why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Sacagawea was the original milf.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
