Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
