Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
