The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
