I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
as a side note pls kill me
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
