ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Someone came in the potted fern
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
