I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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