Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
