true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You're like the curious george of whores
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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