So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
