When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
