Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
