Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
