I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
