i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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