Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
