I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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