why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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