I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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