DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
