I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
