Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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