I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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