I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
