best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
