When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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