I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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