Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
