I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
