where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
