I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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