Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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