its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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