you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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