just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day â¤ï¸
Randomize