She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
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