so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
