can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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