I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
