i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Non-Jews are for practice
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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