My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize