**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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