I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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