I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
