i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
