just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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