They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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